Dear Dr. Melanie,
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we’ve been together 7 years. I’ve noticed since our last child that between all the work I do and caring for the kids, that I never wanna have sex with my husband. I still love him and find him attractive but I’m just always tired and just don’t find sex appealing. I’m never in the mood. I feel bad for him, but working 2-3 jobs a day with no break from our 4 children, I just don’t want anything to do with it. Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Tired –
I’m exhausted from reading your schedule! Of course you’re not in the mood for sex. I’ll bet you rarely have time to shower or pee from morning into night, let alone find time for sex play. I’m going to toss out some suggestions, and you can try whatever makes sense to you.
- Share the load. While your husband may also work several jobs, he needs to do half of the childcare while he’s home. Other than breast feeding, no child-related tasks need be off limits. Explain to him that you need some free time every day not only to protect your mental and physical health, but also because, as a human being, you deserve better than to be on-call 24/7.
- Enlist the kids. Unless you have quadruplets, your children’s ages differ. The oldest, even if only 4 years of age, should be taught that everyone, kids, dads and mommies, gets private time. That means no pounding on the bathroom door when someone’s inside, no walking into bedrooms without knocking and hearing “Come in,” and no interrupting when parents are cuddling, kissing, or talking quietly. As the younger ones mature, enlist the older ones in passing along the privacy rules.
- Swap the kids. It’ll be hell the day you have to watch a flock of kids in your house for 2 hours, but it’ll be heaven when your kids are at a friend’s house for 2 hours. Use the time for a bubble bath, exercise, a nap, or sex with your husband. Do not use it for chores! If you need kid-free time for chores, create another swap.
- Take small steps. Kiss and hug your husband – meaningfully—every day. Once that’s a habit, go for twice a day. You get my drift – create a habit of touching in affectionate ways to maintain physical intimacy so that when you do have more energy and private time, your libido has a head start. Try to experiment; you can ask your husband to use Kamagra gel, so that will satisfy your pleasure. Click here to learn more.
- Screw the mood. For now, don’t worry about sex that requires loads of energy and prep time. He’s not going to care if your legs are shaved, you’re wearing a sweatshirt, or your hair’s a mess, as long as you sincerely show an interest in sex.
- Have average sex. The average U.S. straight couple spends 3-7 minutes having intercourse. No matter how tired you are, you can manage 7 minutes. If you can manage 15 minutes, enjoy warm-up play prior to intercourse.
- Commit to maybe. If you can’t envision even 7 minutes of intercourse, commit yourself to cuddling, kissing, a hand job, or whatever you can manage at the time. Keep a “maybe” in the back of your mind that allows for the possibility that you’ll want to do more. Communicate with your husband, e.g., “I’d really enjoy just kissing and cuddling for a while. Is that OK with you?” Then, maybe, you’ll start to feel a tingle of desire before your reaching your self-imposed time limit.
Good luck!
Dr. Melanie