Time to Come

Dear Dr. Melanie,

I’m so upset with myself. My boyfriend tries so hard to please me with oral sex until I have an orgasm, but it takes me hours if it happens at all, and it frustrates us. I feel so bad when it doesn’t take place. He seems to think it’s something he’s doing or not doing. Please help us.-Frustrated


Dear Frustrated,

If it’s taking you “hours” to cum, consider whose timetable you’re using. On average, women take about 20 minutes to climax from oral sex, which means that some take much longer, and some take much less time. There is no “correct” length of time to experience orgasm. If he is trying to please you first, and you’re worried that you’re keeping him from his orgasm, you both may be trying to rush through an activity that shouldn’t be on a time table. If he comes before going down on you, he may give the impression that he’d rather hit the pillow than your vulva — or you may assume he feels that way, even if he doesn’t.

Orgasms are funny, in that the harder women try for them, the less likely they are. I use the words “experience orgasm” instead of “have, get, achieve, or give” orgasm because the best way to experience orgasm is to stop trying, to let go of any expectations, to relax, and to float into pleasurable sensations without expectation. Usually, when you stop working so hard at it, the orgasm will arrive.

Your partner needs to stop working so hard to deliver an orgasm to you because he can’t. You’re partners in the experience, not sole providers (unless you’re masturbating). All he can do is to explore different types of tongue movements, intensities of licking and sucking, varied speeds, and combinations of oral and manual stimulation. You may respond more to indirect stimulation than direct clitoral stimulation. You may enjoy firm stroking of your G spot during oral stimulation. If you have enjoyed oral sex before, what’s different now? Is the pressure too strong? Are you numb from too much attention to the same spot? Does he have facial hair or whiskers that distract you? Is he diving at your clitoris without manual stimulation or other activity that builds your arousal?

Experiment for a bit, and if nothing changes, consider an oral sex time-out. Experience pleasure through manual stimulation, intercourse, self-touch during intercourse, toys, etc. without any pressure to try oral sex. When you’re both confident that you can experience orgasm non-orally, you may be ready to start fresh. I suggest you try a new oral sex instructional video offered by Fantasia Home Parties and produced by the sex educators on the Better Sex Video Series.