Dear Dr. Melanie,
Me and boyfriend have been together for almost a year. He wants me to talk more in bed but to be honest, I really don’t know what to say. The sex is great, but I don’t know what to say while I’m moaning. What do I do? What do I say? I want him to be just as turned on as I am. Thanks, Moan-a
Dear Moan-a,
Why assume he’s not as turned on as you are? Maybe he’s just interested in a little variety. Or maybe he needs reassurance that he’s pleasing you (moans may be hard to interpret). Then again, he may be watching porn and mistakenly thinking that you can’t possibly be having as much fun as the women onscreen.
You need to talk, outside the bedroom, to see what’s really going on. Everyone expresses sexual pleasure differently, and while he has a right to ask for some feedback, he doesn’t have a right to ask you to censor or change the sounds you make while you’re getting off. If he’s comparing you to the women he sees in porn, remind him that they’re called actors for a reason. Also, many porn scenes have the sound effects and “dialog” dubbed in after the fact.
He may be concerned that he’s coming too fast or too slow for your pleasure, so throw him a signal you can both agree on, if words aren’t comfortable for you. If he needs more affirmation that he’s pleasing you, give it to him. You might say, “Wow, that feels really good,” or “Yeah, right there,” or “I love it what you’re doing right now.” Or compliment his body, his penis, the way he smells — anything you can think of that you can say sincerely. Consider telling him in advance that while you’ll try to be more verbal during sex play, during your orgasm you’re going to do what comes naturally.
If you’re willing to engage in sexy talk, you can get more ideas by reading erotica. Do an online search for “women’s erotica” to find free stories, or check out books like “Aqua Erotica” or “Wet” by Mary Ann Mohanraj (it’s waterproof for tub fun!). Violet Blue’s “Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women” is another great option.
Melanie Davis, PhD
