Porn Turn-Ons, Right or Wrong?

Dear Dr. Melanie,

I caught my husband watching porn the other night. I was alarmed that the movie showed a couple doing bondage. I’m not interested in kinky sex, and it bothers me that this movie turned him on. Am I right to be worried? –Plain-Sex Jane
Dear Jane,

You have a right to your feelings, but also, you may be more concerned than you need to be. The fact that you said you “caught” him watching porn suggests that he felt the need to hide it from you. Ask him why he assumed you’d mind if he watched – or assumed that you wouldn’t want to watch it with him. Many couples use porn to warm up before engaging in their own sex play. Offer to watch a video with him, and focus on what’s positive. Maybe the actors are attractive. Or the women have great hair or manicures. Or, jeez, look how flexible they are! If you are really uncomfortable watching something, speak up. Give your husband the TV remote control and say, “I’ll watch for 10 more minutes. Please fast-forward and show me what you find to be the most exciting part that doesn’t involve …”

Regarding the bondage, he may have sought it out, or he may have been surfing and happened upon it. Out of context, the images can be disturbing, if the action is extreme. In context, the actors may have been completely at ease with each other, using safe practices so no one was hurt. Without being judgmental, tell your husband that you’re curious about why he picked that video. Tell him that you want to know because it’s important to you that he and you maintain a sexual relationship that pleases both of you.

You might also take a hint from this experience that it’s time to spice things up a bit in the bedroom. Fantasia’s Japanese Silk Cuffs allow couples to experiment with restraints in a fun, comfortable way. You can take turns being “tied up” while the other partner explores, tantalizes and teases. The cuff design makes it easy to release yourself from the restraints at any time.

If you think your husband has an unhealthy interest in porn or bondage, you may need to call a sex therapist. About 1/3 of women consider porn viewing to be a form of cheating, and you have the added concern about bondage. By talking honestly, guided by a sex therapist, you may be able to come to a compromise that turns you both on.