Orgasm During Intercourse

Dear Dr. Melanie,

Why can’t I orgasm during intercourse? I have no problem during oral or clitoral stimulation.
Signed, Curious

 

Dear Curious,

A lot of women have the same concern, and why? Because ever since psychoanalyst Dr. Sigmund Freud called clitoral orgasms infantile, women have been hoodwinked into thinking there’s something wrong with us if we can’t experience orgasm from vaginal intercourse. It’s great for filmmakers who can throw a pair of actors against a wall, instruct them to moan in tandem, and then pretend simultaneous orgasm occurred without much more than some hip thrusts. Sex research tells a very different story:

  • 25-30% of women nearly always orgasm from vaginal intercourse
  • 30% of women never orgasm from vaginal intercourse
  • 30-40% of women sometimes orgasm from vaginal intercourse
  • About 95% of men nearly always orgasm from intercourse

The reality is that most women need direct clitoral stimulation to get off. It’s a matter of our anatomy – the clitoris is loaded with wonderful nerve endings, unlike the deeper 2/3 of the vagina. Intercourse can feel great for lots of reasons, but it’s an inefficient way to cum, unless you’re using positions that allow your clitoris to be rubbed during penetration. Or, unless you stimulate your clitoris with fingers or toys during intercourse.

What’s the secret of women who do climax from intercourse alone? Their partners may be stimulating nerves that enervate the cervix, the furthest reaches of the vagina, or the female prostate (aka the G spot). To reach the G spot, you need to explore intercourse positions that would enable your partner’s penis or strap-on dildo to deeply stimulate the anterior wall (toward your belly) of your vagina about 1”-3” inside. Or, your partner could use a few fingers with the tips curled under (making a “come here” motion) or a curved dildo or vibrator to stimulate that area. Not all women are highly sensitive there, and some women who are sensitive don’t like the sensation, which can feel like the urge to urinate. That feeling usually goes away if you relax for a few seconds and surrender to the sensation.

For many women, hoping for a vaginal orgasm is like looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. The exploration can be fun, but feel bad if you don’t find what you’re looking for. Instead, love the orgasms you do have! And if you want to cum during intercourse, use your hand, your partner’s hand (more difficult), or a toy to stimulate your clitoris during penetration.