Dear Dr. Melanie,
My husband and I have been sexually estranged for a number of years. We are in our early fifties, married 14 yrs., a second marriage for us both. The first 2 years of our marriage was strained with outside issues…stepchildren, ex’s and money. I also lost my job right before the wedding. We have fought our way through and now in our 14th year; however, over the years we have only had sex maybe 15 times. Each time we try to become intimate, it seems strained and awkward. We love each other but we’re more like roommates. When we do try to have sex it’s less than satisfying for me because he cannot stay erect and I believe it’s because of pressure he puts on himself. We are in a cycle we can’t seem to get out of. I’m tired of a sexless life. Recently I went to a toy party and he seemed very open to the products. Do you think this would be a good ice breaker for us and if so, what should we start with? Your help is needed before we’re too old to remember how.
Best Regards,
Desperate for sex
Dear Desperate,
You’ve faced a lot of challenges together, and I’m glad you’re both motivated to break out of your sex slump. I suggest that you focus on building intimacy first, without the pressure to have sexual intercourse. Go on some dates — anything that will allow you to spend time reconnecting away from the TV, computer and household chores. Then, move into more physically intimate activities, like snuggling and kissing in front of the TV or exchanging massages. Let things progress in their own time. Once you feel more like lovers than buddies, check out products together, talking about what might be fun to try now or someday.
When you make love, start from scratch and explore what you both like at this point in your lives. You’re older now, so your bodies have changed and you may be less flexible or less naturally wet, and he may have a softer or slower erection. Experiment with sex positions to take the pressure off knees, hips or other tired joints. Fantasia has a nifty deck of position cards if you need suggestions. Use lubricant for extra moisture — Nearly Me and ID Glide are great, and ID Millennium provides long-lasting slickness (don’t use it with silicon toys). Jelly Power Rings or Flower Power rings (not for use with ID Millennium lubricant) can help him enhance and maintain his erection.
Emphasize to your husband that these products are for your mutual pleasure, not because you or he are lacking in any way. Once you’re back in the swing of things, knock your socks off with other toys for use together or by yourself.
Melanie Davis, PhD
