Dear Dr. Melanie,
I’m 35 years old and sense the birth of my third child 16 months ago my want and desire for sex is just not there at all and it’s affecting our relationship he thinks I’m no longer sexual attracted to him or want him anymore and that’s not the case at all Dr. Melanie, PLEASE HELP ME I want my sex drive and desire for sex back, I WANT TO WANT SEX AGAIN!!!! Thanks, Third Time Mom
Dear Third Time Mom ,
For many moms, there is so much physical contact with kids during the day that a partner’s sexual desire seems like just one more demand on your body.
Aside from the physical effort of chasing a 16-month old while caring for older children, you may be mentally exhausted from entertaining them, caring for your household, and/or being employed. You may have other obligations, too. It may be hard to shake the sense that your body, time, or mind don’t belong to you anymore. This is perfectly normal and absolutely frustrating. It’s time to gather the troops and ask for help.
–Enlist your older children in picking up toys, clearing the table, sorting laundry, and entertaining the baby. Depending on their ages, they may be able to provide more help. –Enlist your husband’s help with caring for the kids and the house. If he balks and says he’s too tired after work to help, remind him that parenthood is a 24-hour-a-day job for both of you.
–Build in an hour a day when both you and your husband are off duty; alternate the schedule. Use the time to read, meditate, dance, garden, paint your nails or do anything else that recharges your energy and sense of self. –Build in “date time” for you and your husband each week. If getting child care is a challenge, schedule dates for times the kids are sleeping, napping, or engaged in TV or videos. Use the private time to reconnect intimately, with no requirement for sexual activity. Sometimes, a conversation about a mutual interest can be more intimate than having sex. Tell your husband how much he means to you, giving specific feedback. He needs to feel that he is as important to you as your kids are. –Exercise to get your blood flowing and to get back in touch with your body. –Masturbate. Desire creates desire, so the more pleasure you give your body, the more your body will feel the urge for sex. Find a time when you’ll have some privacy — maybe when your husband showers and the kids are still asleep. Or when you take a shower or bath.
–Say yes, even if you’re tired. Sex researchers have found that women often get physically aroused before they experience the emotional state of sexual desire. The next time your husband reaches for you, instead of pushing his hand away, invite him to massage your lower back. Allow yourself to relax and enjoy the feel of his hands on your body. Allow yourself to feel the pleasure of loving adult contact. As his hands explore, odds are, your body will respond and your desire will build.
Melanie Davis, PhD
