Dry Spell

Dear Dr. Melanie,

I have been with my Fiancée for 17 years. I feel that our relationship is dying off for many reasons, the #1 reason which is me not being able to get pregnant (I was diagnosed with PCOS), and the #2 reason, which is DRY SPELLS — I am like the Sahara Desert sometimes most of the time, I even dry up the lube –WHAT IS THAT? I feel at times that I am in an extremely sexual mood but the minute we get started, there is not even an ounce of moisture in my girl, he can’t even get in me sometimes — that’s how bad it is. I have been feeling a bit more comfortable with myself and I started to play with myself before we do something and while but I feel embarrassed and shy almost by doing that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Also, I am over weight and read up on that but I talk to BIGGER woman and their Libido is over the top. I need some advice. Any suggestions? HELLLLLLPPPP. Thanks, Sahara Desert


Dear Sahara,

I hear your frustration, since you face a number of challenges. I’m glad that you are seeing a healthcare provider for your Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS). PCOS is a tough because your hormones are out of whack, causing a host of problems with menstruation, ovulation, fertility, facial hair, thin scalp hair, blood sugar, skin discoloration, and weight gain. PCOS puts you at higher risk for diabetes, so be sure your healthcare provider monitors your insulin level.

Your vaginal dryness is likely connected to two things: PCOS and low arousal. In addition to your medical treatment, try these tips:

  • Drink water. A dry body means a dry vagina and vulva. Avoid soda, alcohol, and salty foods (processed foods, restaurant and fast foods contain lots of hidden salt).
  • Speak to a nutritionist about a food plan that will help you produce more estrogen and lose as much weight as possible, given your PCOS.
  • Exercise at least 30 minutes a day to boost your circulation all over (including in your sexual tissues). Exercise is good for your emotional and physical health.
  • Use a silicon-based lubricant, like Fantasia’s He Wolf Duo. Avoid pharmacy/grocery store products with preservatives, glycerin, and artificial flavors and scents.
  • At night, moisturize your labia (external pink parts) and the opening to your vagina with plain hemp, coconut, almond or olive oil. To moisturize your vagina, insert a Vitamin E gel capsule; the capsule will dissolve naturally. If these solutions aren’t sufficient, ask your doctor about topical estrogen cream for your labia and/or Vagifem vaginal inserts and Estrace vaginal cream for internal use.
  • Masturbate, in private, every day. You can do it in the shower or bath, if that’s the only private space available to you. Self-play, even if you don’t experience orgasm, is good for your tissues! It improves circulation, gets your juices flowing, and teaches you what kind of touch turns you on. Fantasia has a range of water-resistant and water-proof vibrators that you can play with. When you are ready for partner sex, take some private time beforehand to get your motor running before you connect with your fiance.
  • Invite your partner to join you in mutual masturbation, meaning you’ll both touch your own bodies and genitals so the other can watch and learn. When you both do it, you may feel less embarrassed. Read my earlier post in Sex Advice and Spice to learn about sensate focus exercises.

Libido is different from arousal because libido (sex drive, desire for sex) is an emotional thing, while arousal (nipple erection, vaginal lubrication, etc.) is a physical thing. Why are other big women so hot for sex? Most likely, they are confident about their sexuality and their partner’s desire for them. I highly recommend Hanne Blank’s terrific book “Big, Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them” (Greenery Press,2000). I also suggest that you speak to a sex therapist to explore whether your current relationship suits you. Seventeen years is a long time to stay in a relationship that isn’t pleasing you or him. You deserve to be happy and horny. Don’t settle for anything less. Wettest wishes!