Dear Dr. Melanie,
I enjoy clitoris stimulation while my husband is penetrating my vagina. He thinks stimulation is needed just before penetration and thinks it’s abnormal to continue stimulating my clitoris once he’s inside. Do you think so?
Signed, Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated,
Most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to orgasm/climax. The vagina and the clitoris are positioned in such a way that it’s not easy to orgasm simply from a penis, finger or dildo thrusting inside the vagina. You might illustrate what you experience by asking him to withdraw from inside of you right before he finishes. He’ll see how frustrating it is to stop stimulation too early.
Some women enjoy having their male partner on top, positioned so he rubs the clitoris with his pelvis while he’s inside. Others can get off they’re on top, able to rub their clitoris against his body while he’s inside. Experiment with those positions but also think about how your clitoris is being stimulated now. If he’s using his hand while thrusting inside you, he may find it difficult to divide his attention between your stimulation and his. Try using your hand to stimulate yourself while he’s inside you. Or, stimulate yourself with a vibrator while he’s inside. If you’re not used to touching yourself, practice in private first so that you learn what feels good without worrying about when he’s going to finish.
Trust that you know what you need and enjoy. He needs to respect what works for you instead of worrying about what he thinks is “normal.” Sexual enjoyment isn’t about what works for other people; it’s about what works for you.
Melanie Davis, PhD
